For a few minutes today, pondered writing some kind of ‘best of…’ list for today’s blog entry, because the year’s coming to a close. It’s the easy route to content creation. Then I remembered that you, quite rightly, don’t actually give a shit, because nearly every list of that kind is subjective claptrap that’s either stating the staggeringly obvious, an attempt to get the awardees to retweet the fawning praise (it’s always better to reward those with lots of social media followers who don’t need the props in the first place) for maximum traffic, or some tedious attempt to provoke “conversation” with some willfully irksome inclusions. If you, like me, feel like doing something like I did, I recommend carving it on your forearm or something to make it different to the numerous best of the best of’s that are already out there. But it has been an interesting year. One day, a boffin will create some kind of algorithm which calculates the lateness to a “viral” and subsequent Facebook and Twitter shares of every single user and a figure that determines how tedious they are — a reverse Klout score of some kind, that can be passed to potential employers when they apply for some shitbag social media role so they don’t end up polluting timelines and ruining the good name of a brand or reputable organisation.
The hype around the tiny monkey in a Canadian Ikea car park was a perfect catchment incident to log this late adoption social media blabbermouth data, but I have to concede that whereas parodies by the unfunny and time-rich YouTubers of the world of an already painfully wacky PSY song are intolerable, that monkey still amuses me. He amuses me because he, a small Japanese macaque, rocked the shearling better than Tom Hardy in that letdown Batman film or anybody that rushed out and bought that H&M Margiela shearling and Instagrammed the jacket wearing them, rather than the other way around, with some horseshit about #swag. Darwin the monkey made the jacket look frivolous and luxurious. Humans have made the wearing of a slain sheep look way less cool than it should be. Back in the winter of 1990/91, the shearling was responsible for a handful of homicides in the quest to own one. Murder over an item of outerwear (legend has it that NYC police had an eightball jacket unit back in the day to combat the crime that item was instigating) is a nightmarish representation of how low somebody will stoop to own a material object – if people were willing to slay an individual for a $169 leather jacket, it’s little surprise that they were willing to execute somebody in cold blood for something that was worth $450. Sad, but true.
If morals won’t stop murder over fashion, I wish retro culture would. 22 years on and people are still losing their lives over a pair of Air Jordans. Without trivialising the severity of these incidents, everything operates in a rotation — that shoe you might pull a trigger over will be back again in 3 years or so. Put down the weapons and save your pennies rather than facing 25 to life over clothing. I hope, on release, these killers see the gear they’ve had a couple of decades to regret obtaining through such brutal means gleaming at them from a store window to remind them of the true stupidity of their actions. While you were languishing behind bars the item you valued over a human life may well have hit shelves at least 5 times.
The logical end to the camouflage preoccupation is to let it enter your bloodstream by smoking it. Salutes to Milcentric for putting me onto Florida-based Humo del Diablo’s Recon Cigars, with their website that looks like rejected concept art for the ‘Expendables 3’, a tube that’s made to look like anti-aircraft ammo and a case that’s meant to look like an artillery case. That “ECU” wrapper, with added Criollo-Maduro, South American and Candels patches gives this Marine-affiliated brand’s output that camo look (darker in real life than the first image indicates). I’m keen to smoke one to see in the approaching new year.
The only thing worse than misguided #swag Instagram shots and ‘Rainman’ style laid out outfit Instagram shots is Instagram shots of your weed stash (and cheapo rap videos for Tumblr-friendly artists with the mouth to nose weed plumes in slow motion need to stop). There’s no difference between a filtered shot of weed leaf socks and some student twat with a Bob Marley stash tin and scratched copy of ‘Legend’ who sees every object as a potential bong. Smoke it, don’t talk about it like some 14-year-old. Why does a wake and bake get multiple ‘Likes’ and Tumblr love but a morning tumbler of vodka would elicit concern? Instagram weed culture is a good argument against decriminalising marijuana. However, I believe that if anybody ever rolled a blunt using a Recon Cigar and photographed it artfully, it would go triple Instagram platinum immediately and get reblogged from now until infinity.
Here’s to 2013. Thanks for all of the support.